Maybe you've been telling yourself that it wasn't "that bad."

Maybe there were good times too.

Maybe they apologized.

Maybe they promised they would change.

Maybe you keep thinking about the person they were when you first met.

Maybe you have become so used to walking on eggshells that you don't even notice how much energy it takes anymore.

Maybe you're constantly monitoring their mood.

Choosing your words carefully.

Trying not to upset them.

Explaining yourself.

Apologizing.

Keeping the peace.

Making yourself smaller.

And somewhere along the way, you may have started questioning yourself.

Am I overreacting?

Is this really abuse?

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe I should try harder.

Maybe things will get better.

If you recognize yourself here, you are not alone.

And you do not have to minimize what you've experienced in order to deserve support.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is not limited to physical violence.

It can include patterns of behaviour used to intimidate, control, isolate, manipulate, threaten, or harm a partner.

IPV may involve:

• Physical violence
• Sexual violence
• Emotional abuse
• Psychological abuse
• Verbal abuse
• Financial abuse
• Coercive control
• Threats
• Intimidation
• Stalking
• Isolation
• Monitoring
• Technology-facilitated abuse
• Reproductive coercion
• Controlling access to money
• Controlling who you see or where you go
• Threatening children, pets, or family members
• Using immigration or financial status as a form of control
• Repeatedly undermining your confidence or sense of reality

Sometimes there are no visible injuries.

The impact can still be profound.

One of the most damaging aspects of an abusive relationship can be the gradual erosion of your confidence in your own perceptions.

You may begin questioning:

What happened?

What did I say?

Did I cause this?

Am I remembering it correctly?

Am I being too sensitive?

Is this actually abuse?

When someone repeatedly denies, minimizes, blames, manipulates, or distorts your experience, it can become difficult to trust yourself.

Therapy can provide a place where you don't have to defend your experience.

You can slow things down.

Look at the patterns.

Name what is happening.

And begin reconnecting with your own perspective.

When you are living with unpredictable or controlling behaviour, your nervous system may become highly attuned to the other person.

You may know their footsteps.

Their tone of voice.

The way they close a door.

The look on their face.

The difference between a good day and a bad day.

You may know exactly what to say—and what not to say—to prevent an argument.

You may constantly monitor the environment.

You may try to anticipate what they need.

You may become exceptionally good at keeping the peace.

These aren't signs that you're weak.

They may be signs that you adapted to an environment where you had to pay attention to danger.

People often ask:

"Why didn't I just leave?"

Or:

"Why did I stay?"

Or:

"Why did I go back?"

There is rarely a simple answer.

When someone is experiencing abuse, their nervous system may respond through fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

You may fight back.

You may try to escape.

You may freeze and feel unable to act.

You may become highly accommodating in an attempt to reduce danger.

You may appease.

You may keep the peace.

You may disconnect emotionally.

You may become numb.

These responses are not evidence that you wanted the abuse.

They can be survival responses.

Leaving an abusive relationship isn't simply a matter of deciding that you deserve better.

There may be:

• Fear of what will happen if you leave
• Financial dependence
• Children
• Housing concerns
• Threats
• Isolation
• Emotional attachment
• Trauma bonding
• Fear of retaliation
• Concerns about pets
• Immigration concerns
• Workplace concerns
• Shared property
• Social pressure
• Lack of support
• Repeated promises that things will change

And sometimes leaving can increase risk.

This is why safety and risk assessment matter.

Therapy should never shame you for staying.

It should help you understand your options and make decisions that take your safety and circumstances into account.

If you are currently experiencing intimate partner violence, therapy should be approached with your safety in mind.

We may discuss:

• Current safety
• Patterns of escalation
• Risk factors
• Complete risk assessment
• Safety planning
• Boundaries
• Support systems
• Communication
• Practical options
• Emotional safety
• What happens if you decide to leave
• What happens if you are not ready to leave

You do not have to decide today whether you are leaving.

You can begin by understanding what is happening.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or access emergency or local IPV services.

Leaving can be an enormous step.

But many people discover that the effects of the relationship continue long after the relationship ends.

You may experience:

• Anxiety
• Panic
• Hypervigilance
• Nightmares
• Difficulty trusting
• Intrusive memories
• Shame
• Guilt
• Difficulty making decisions
• Difficulty being alone
• Fear of entering another relationship
• Feeling disconnected from yourself
• Low self-worth
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Strong reactions to conflict
• Feeling like you're constantly waiting for something to go wrong

You may be physically safe while still feeling emotionally unsafe.

Your body may need time to learn that the relationship is over.

Sometimes people who have experienced IPV become afraid that they will repeat the pattern.

You may wonder:

"Why do I keep choosing people who treat me this way?"

There is nothing inherently wrong with you.

Our experiences can shape what feels familiar.

You may have learned to confuse:

• Intensity with connection
• Control with care
• Jealousy with love
• Appeasement with peace
• Self-sacrifice with loyalty
• Familiar with safe

Therapy can help you explore these patterns without blaming you for them.

The goal is not simply to identify "red flags."

It is also to develop a stronger relationship with yourself so that you can recognize what healthy, respectful, reciprocal relationships feel like.

Abuse can slowly take up more and more space in your life.

Your choices may begin revolving around another person's reactions.

What do they want?

Will they be angry?

Will they approve?

Will this cause an argument?

Is this okay?

Over time, you may lose touch with your own wants, needs, opinions, interests, and identity.

Healing can involve finding those pieces of yourself again.

You may begin asking:

What do I actually like?

What do I want?

What matters to me?

What are my boundaries?

What do I believe?

What kind of relationship do I want?

Who am I when I don't have to manage someone else's emotions?

This is where healing becomes more than simply recovering from abuse.

It becomes about building a life that belongs to you.

IPV and trauma are central areas of Laura's clinical experience.

Laura has worked extensively with individuals affected by domestic violence, family violence, sexual violence, sexual exploitation, and human trafficking, with a strong focus on safety, risk assessment, trauma, recovery, and empowerment.

This experience means you don't need to spend your therapy sessions explaining the basics of abuse.

You don't need to make your experience sound less frightening.

You don't need to protect your therapist from the details.

There is room here for the hard things.

Laura brings a calm, grounded, trauma-informed approach to the work.

Together, therapy may focus on:

• Understanding the cycle of abuse
• Identifying patterns of coercive control
• Understanding trauma responses
• Safety and risk
• Boundaries
• Self-worth
• People-pleasing
• Guilt and shame
• Rebuilding confidence
• Processing traumatic experiences
• Nervous system regulation
• Relationship patterns
• Reconnecting with your identity
• Developing healthy relationship skills
• Rebuilding trust in yourself
• Creating a life that feels aligned with who you are

Your therapy is individualized based on your experiences, goals, and current circumstances.

Approaches may include:

Trauma and Trauma-Informed Therapy

Your experiences are understood through the lens of safety, choice, empowerment, and the impact trauma can have on the mind and body.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help identify thoughts and beliefs that developed through abusive experiences and begin developing healthier ways of thinking and responding.

Somatic Therapy

Trauma doesn't only live in your memories.

It can also be experienced through your body.

Somatic approaches can help you recognize physical responses to stress and develop greater awareness and regulation.

Nervous System Regulation

You may have spent years living on high alert.

Therapy can help you recognize when you are activated, shut down, or disconnected and develop tools to support greater regulation.

Internal Family Systems-Informed Work

Different parts of you may have developed different ways of protecting you.

Rather than judging those parts, therapy can help you approach them with curiosity and compassion.

Brainspotting

When appropriate, Brainspotting may be incorporated to help process experiences that are difficult to access through talking alone.

Solution-Focused Therapy

Therapy can also focus on your strengths, resources, goals, and the future you want to create.

Movement-Based Therapy

For appropriate clients, wemay incorporate gentle movement, breathwork, and body awareness to support regulation and reconnection with the body.

Maybe you're still in the relationship.

Maybe you've recently left.

Maybe you've been out for years but still don't feel like yourself.

Maybe you're unsure whether what happened qualifies as abuse.

Maybe you're not ready to leave.

Maybe you've already left and everyone assumes you're "fine now."

Wherever you are, you can begin there.

Therapy is not about telling you what you should do.

It is about creating a space where you can understand what is happening, explore your options, reconnect with yourself, and make decisions with greater clarity.

Healing may not mean that you never think about the relationship again.

It may look like:

☐ Trusting your own judgment

☐ Recognizing unhealthy patterns earlier

☐ Setting boundaries without overwhelming guilt

☐ Saying no without needing to explain yourself

☐ Feeling safe being alone

☐ Developing healthier relationships

☐ Understanding your triggers

☐ Feeling less anxious

☐ Sleeping better

☐ Feeling more emotionally regulated

☐ Reconnecting with your interests

☐ Knowing what you want

☐ Feeling confident making decisions

☐ Rebuilding your self-worth

☐ Feeling comfortable taking up space

☐ Trusting yourself again

☐ Feeling like yourself again

And perhaps one of the biggest changes:

You stop asking whether you're allowed to want more from your life.

You realize you are.

If someone repeatedly told you that you were the problem, you may have started believing them.

If you were told that everything was your fault, you may still carry that belief.

If your feelings were constantly dismissed, you may have learned not to trust them.

If your needs were treated as unreasonable, you may have stopped having needs.

Therapy can help you begin separating their version of you from your own understanding of who you are.

You are allowed to have needs.

You are allowed to have boundaries.

You are allowed to say no.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to want safety.

You are allowed to want respect.

You are allowed to want a healthy relationship.

 You may benefit from IPV-informed therapy if you:

• Are currently experiencing abuse
• Have recently left an abusive relationship
• Are considering leaving
• Are unsure whether your relationship is abusive
• Have experienced domestic violence
• Have experienced coercive control
• Have experienced sexual violence
• Have experienced emotional or psychological abuse
• Are struggling after leaving an abusive relationship
• Feel afraid of your partner
• Constantly monitor another person's mood
• Feel like you are walking on eggshells
• Struggle with boundaries
• People-please to avoid conflict
• Feel responsible for another person's emotions
• Have lost your sense of identity
• Are struggling to trust yourself
• Keep repeating unhealthy relationship patterns

You don't have to know exactly what to call what happened to you.

You can simply know that something isn't right—or that something happened that you are still carrying.

Some experiences are difficult to talk about.

You may worry that your story is too much.

That your therapist won't understand.

That you'll be judged.

That you'll be asked why you stayed.

That you'll be told what you should have done differently.

That isn't what therapy is for.

Our experience includes working with complex trauma, violence, exploitation, safety, and risk.

You do not have to make your story smaller to make it easier to hear.

There is room for the truth here.

You may have spent a long time surviving.

Now you can begin asking a different question:

What do I want my life to look like?

Maybe you want peace.

Healthy relationships.

Better sleep.

Confidence.

Boundaries.

Connection.

Self-worth.

Freedom.

A sense of who you are.

A life where you no longer have to constantly anticipate someone else's reaction.

Healing is possible.

And you don't have to walk through it alone.

, Specialized trauma and intimate partner violence therapy in Northumberland County and virtually throughout Ontario, Canada, and worldwide

Abuse isn't limited to physical violence. Patterns of intimidation, control, threats, isolation, financial control, sexual coercion, emotional abuse, monitoring, and other behaviours can also be forms of intimate partner violence. If you're questioning your relationship, therapy can provide a confidential space to explore what you're experiencing.

What if I'm not ready to leave?

You don't have to be ready to leave to seek therapy. Your therapist can help you understand the relationship, explore safety concerns, identify options, and work on your well-being without pressuring you into a decision.

Why didn't I just leave?

Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely complicated. Fear, financial dependence, children, threats, isolation, emotional attachment, housing, safety concerns, and coercive control can all affect a person's ability to leave. Therapy should never be about blaming you for how you survived.

Why do I keep going back?

Returning to an abusive relationship can be connected to many factors, including attachment, fear, financial circumstances, isolation, promises of change, trauma responses, and the cycle of abuse. It does not mean that you wanted the abuse or that you are incapable of change.

Can IPV cause PTSD?

Yes. Experiencing intimate partner violence can contribute to post-traumatic stress and other trauma-related symptoms. Repeated or prolonged abuse can also have complex effects on emotional regulation, self-worth, relationships, and sense of safety.

Can therapy help me rebuild my self-worth?

Yes. Therapy can provide space to understand how abuse affected your beliefs about yourself and begin rebuilding self-trust, confidence, identity, boundaries, and self-worth.

What if my partner says I'm the abusive one?

Relationships can be complicated, and it is important to look at patterns rather than relying on labels alone. Therapy can help you explore what is happening in the relationship, including control, intimidation, responsibility, boundaries, and safety.

Can I talk about my experiences even if they happened years ago?

Yes. The effects of intimate partner violence can continue long after a relationship ends. You can seek support whether the abuse is recent or happened many years ago.

Is therapy confidential?

Therapy is confidential within the limits of applicable law and professional obligations. Your therapist can explain confidentiality and its limits when you begin therapy.

Do you offer virtual IPV therapy?

Yes. Virtual counselling is available throughout Ontario, Canada, and worldwide with in-person appointments available in Northumberland County, located in Port Hope.

For more frequently asked questions, visit our FAQ page.

You don't need to know exactly what you need.

You don't need to have decided whether you're staying or leaving.

You don't need to have the words for what happened.

You don't need to minimize your story.

You can simply start by talking to someone who understands.

Burch Counselling and Consultation, Specialized trauma and intimate partner violence therapy in Northumberland County, located in Port Hope and virtually throughout Ontario, Canada, and worldwide.